Let us begin with a sample of things to come:

Welcome to the world of Outlaw Racers, where all that matters is how much money you have, and what kind of car you drive. You are an Outlaw Racer, participating in illegal races in cities all over America. You are out to prove who's the baddest, coolest, fastest racer in the land, and you will have to do whatever it takes to be #1. No car, cop, or law will stand in your way. Everyone on the road is your enemy, so watch yourself, 'cause you're on your own.

Oh lordie, I can no longer contain the urge to become the baddest, coolest and fastest racer of the land. No longer will cars, cops or laws stand in my way. A feeling that began long ago in my bladder now spreads throughout my body, filling me with the unholy need to participate in illegal races in cities all over America. Nothing else matters to me except how much money I have, and what kind of car I am driving. I have ascended the evolutionary ladder, I am homo-superior, I am an.. Outlaw Racer.

Alternative introduction: What the heck are these Brits on? Can I have some? Maybe it will aid my attempts to unlock the mysteries of Outlaw Racer. Sobriety, no doubt, is the enemy of Megamedia. Much like low-cal is to Zoid and release is to Daikatana. Game designers, perhaps best known for the inept social skills and .plans updates, have the arduous task of proving they were actually working for the previous seven months. After playing Outlaw Racer for the better part of three hours I can personally vouch for total lack of cerebral function in Megamedia’s opium clouded head.

What bothered me most about Outlaw Racers was not the antique graphics, half-assed sound or laughable gameplay. No, what really drove me to the brink of sanity was the road construction. During Megamedia’s extensive beta testing phase I am sure that they realized that being able to actually drive on the roads would severely fuck with the precious game environment they labored so long and hard to create. So they, in all their wonderful game designing mediocrity, included road construction. Now many of you readers may point out that road construction is a vital part of the "surreal simulation" (taken directly from the loading screen) in Outlaw Racer. Randomly occurring randomly placed two-lane road construction makes it impossible to drive anywhere without falling into a ten-foot high pit. I observed five of the AI controlled vehicles, including both a police car and strange money-van thing, drive full speed into this pit, unaware of the impending doom that awaited them.

If the world in Outlaw Racers were increased to full scale and the draw distance would extend roughly 7 feet ahead of your car. Using sophisticated in-game graphics menus I was able to push the draw distance to nearly ten feet. So there I was: falling into massive two-lane construction holes, driving a car which appeared to have no back wheels, and I could see roughly half a block in front of me. No car, cop or law could stand in my way, but the road canyons and 7 feet of visibility sure did. Graphically Outlaw Racers is on par with various other games that have lame graphics. It is totally unimpressive in every aspect of visual enhancement. The back tires of the car models will randomly disappear. The city maps lack both detail and structure, roads will suddenly come to an end, making alluding the pursuit of police nigh impossible. Did I mention the road construction? One or two lanes will be obstructed by massive holes that are there one minute and gone the next. The only way to not fall into the pits is to just avoid the roads that have them. So trying to achieve the goal of the game, driving through flagged checkpoints, while avoiding dead end streets and construction zone is rather hard, and not fun, and not worth "getting the hang of."

The rest of Outlaw Racers is a hodge-podge of badly timed sound effects, dumb ass AI, generic multiplayer features, and the worst menu interface I have ever seen. There is no way to quit. That’s right, once you run Outlaw Racers, its play-till-you-reboot. During my lengthy testing process of how to get Outlaw Racers to quit I managed to crash it. But it broke something and I could not restart the game. I decided not to reboot so I could play it some more, I hope you understand.