Warning: The following review is rated M, for mature. It contains coarse language and analogies that might not be suitable for younger audiences. Who am I kidding, this isn’t going to stop anybody from reading on. Do take into account though that Formula One 99 from Psygnosis is only available in the UK at the moment. Enjoy the review and please, turn off your cell phones during the show.

According to my watch, it has been a little over a year since I literally soiled myself over Monaco Grand Prix 2. If my editor would be so kind as to include one, you can follow a link to that overly congratulatory yank fest here. For those of you who would prefer a brief summation of that review, allow me to explain in stylized analogy.

Formula 1 ’99 is to Monaco GP 2 what your sex life is to late night Cinemax. In other words, a poor masturbatory experience. Monaco GP 2 has better lighting, more staying power and a lot less sticky residue.

Let’s not forget that, and don’t act surprised if I happen to mention this later on, Monaco GP 2 came out 14 months ago. Be it graphics, depth of gameplay, sound, or simulated solar flares, Monaco GP 2 out plays F1 ’99 in nearly every category I can make up. About the only thing that F1 ‘99 has over Monaco is an officially licensed product of FIA Formula One. Though racing toe to toe against Hakkinen and Schumacher ranks pretty high on my list of F1 simulation requirements, you just can’t beat the snazzy solar flares in Monaco 2!

Before I get too far sidetracked with a discussion of the gameplay and features in F1 ’99, let me mention an important fact which may not have been previously clear to you. Monaco GP 2 came out over a year ago and it’s way fucking better than this game. Try to wrap your underpowered brainstem around that concept. Again, I resort to analogy for lack of any other means of explanation.

Playing Formula 1 ’99 instead of Monaco 2 is like taking your sister to prom instead of getting drunk and screwing the head cheerleader in the back of her big brother’s Camaro.

And unlike prom, this time around you do a have a choice. So make it wisely. Let me just come out and say what needs to be said. F1 ’99 uses a fine array of dated graphics, dodgey race AI and low-fi sound effects to establish itself as the most unambitious, indistinct F1 racing game I’ve ever played. Kudos, Psygnosis.

Basic car configuration options, two modes of play, and lacking car damage effects really round out the whole, "Monaco 2 GP is way better than this game at it came out over a year ago™," thing I was talking about earlier. The current driver rosters, passable renderings of GP tracks and working (!!) multiplayer are the absolute bottom line saving graces of this title. Really, it comes down to this: Formula 1 ’99 is a budget title that’s simply outclassed by another title. If you are looking for accurate simulation, look elsewhere. If you are more interested in arcade style Formula racing, and don’t mind staring at the obvious result of poor planning, a minimal budget and blatently inept gameplay, give F1 ’99 a try. Just make sure to have little Jenny back before 11, tiger.