"Feel the fear, face the action and conquer evil. Be Action Man, the greatest hero of them all."

I’ll admit off the top, I’m not up to the latest in action figures. When I was younger, G.I. Joe was the order of the day. Action Man seems to be along the same lines as G.I. Joe though, a hero out to stop the evil forces from taking over the world. Less guns, less violence, same old plastic quality. Now, Hasbro Interactive is taking advantage of Action Man’s popularity, by releasing a video game based on the action hero. Kind of ironic though, that a video game based on Action Man, offers absolutely no action whatsoever.

Action Man: Raid on Island X is best described as an action / adventure title. It features characters based on the action figures, including Action Man himself and Dr. X. The plot is a simple and familiar one at that, to raid Dr. X’s island and put an end to his world dominating ways. Your adventures will take place in a number of locales, including urban cities, tropical forests, the frozen arctic, and much more. You begin the game in your base. Here, you get to decide what your character will look like. You can choose from a number of different faces, shirts, pants, etc., in order to create your own hero. After you’ve created your Action Man, you’ll begin a series of training missions that will expose you to various skills you’ll need to use later in the game. You’ll enter a firing range, go bungie jumping, go scuba diving, take photographs, and much more. After you complete this first series of missions, other areas will open up and you’ll begin to adventure towards the island of Dr. X.

The biggest problem with Action Man is the lack of, well, ACTION! The missions are far too simplistic and involve absolutely no skill whatsoever. Performing mundane tasks is the order of the day in Action Man and I found myself completing every mission without a single scar or wound. Do you even get hurt in this game? Can you die? When I first played this game, I managed to complete every level and won the game in just a few hours. It’s understood that Action Man is geared more to younger gamers, but I can’t see how even fans of Action Man will remain interested in this game for more than 15 minutes. The obstacles and enemies found in the game are unimaginative, the levels repetitive, and the replay value is zilch. I can’t think of a single element of gameplay that was original or interesting in any respect.

The graphics in Action Man are colorful, if anything. Action Man does not feature any 3D technology, so the level of detail in the environments, enemies and objects is minimal. The only upside to the graphics is the use of color. Action Man features an assortment of bright colors that I suppose is intended to keep people entranced enough that they’ll forget the gameplay is so bad. Action Man also features a series of movies throughout the game, but it really doesn’t do enough to make up for other areas. The audio is also lacking in many respects. Thumbs up to the music, which seems like it came from a Jerry Bruckheimer movie or some sort. However, there only seems to be one track and it became repetitive, real fast. The sound effects in the game are scrappy at best. They seem entirely generic and have no atmosphere to them at all. There are spots of speech in the game, but overall the presentation in terms of graphics and sound is well below par.

The controls in Action Man are as simplistic as the gameplay. You can use either your mouse or your keyboard to maneuver your hero around and there’s usually only one button/key used beyond that for each level. That’s all there is too it, and for those of you excitingly asking yourselves, ‘Is there multiplayer?’, I’m sorry to say that there isn’t. I know, you’re crushed. I am too.

I’m really not going to ramble on much longer about Action Man. Is this guy really an action hero? I’ve watched Golf matches that had more action in them. Bingo is more exciting than this. Watching Ally McBeal is more fun than this. Action Man, meet garbage can. Garbage can, meet Action Man. C’est tout!