Yoooooooo Joe!

Let's start the ball rolling by addressing an issue that received more attention than I thought it would. A number of months ago, we listed G.I. Joe as a title that Hasbro Interactive was going to release in the 3rd Quarter of 1999. After receiving numerous emails from readers asking just what this game was all about, I decided to contact Hasbro Interactive to find out myself. However, the PR department denied that the title was in development. Are they being hush hush about the title? It's rather unlikely, so I apologize to any G.I. Joe fans out there for getting your hopes up.

Now that I think about it, G.I. Joe might make a kickass title. Close your eyes (theoreotically) and imagine with me, if you will, G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. A squad based tactical strategy game, perhaps with elements of first or third person built in. A title similar to Rainbow Six or Delta Force with a pinch of Command & Conquer thrown in for good measure. A title featuring all the characters from the G.I. Joe series. You have the choice to lead Cobra or G.I. Joe, as you entertain a series of missions in an attempt to take over the world, or protect it from evil doers. Each mission is unique in it's setting, whether it be in the arctic, marshy swamps, or a Cobra base deep within the mountains. All your favorite characters are there and each is unique in their abilities. Zartan and his band of dreadnoks, Dr. Mindbender and his army of B.A.T.S., and Storm Shadow, the deadliest of ninjas. Have no fear though, heroes like Hawk, Flint, Duke, Snake Eyes and Bazooka are ready for battle.

The first mission sees you head to Arkansas where Cobra, lead by Cobra Commander and Captain Bludd, have taken over the US's only diamond mine. The place is crawling with Crimson Guard and Vipers, and the Thunder Machine caught on radar suggests the Dreadnoks must be around as well. You assemble a squad of troopers that include the likes of Beach Head, Flint, Footloose, Leatherneck and Snake Eyes to infiltrate the mine and spoil Cobra's plans. You climb into your L.C.V. Recon Sleds and head off too battle. Yooooooooo Joe! Cooooobraaaa! (Sniff. Memories, in the corner of my mind...)

Sweet Merciful Crap, where do I come up with these great ideas?! If you still don't believe this could be a hit, check out these composite shots I've put together. In the meantime, I've got some important calls to make.

Please Dr. Mindbender, put your cape on, we can see your screws!

Hey, aren't Dreadnoks supposed to turn blue in the sun?

Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Look out behind you soldier, he's got a plastic gun and sword!

Old & Moldy Pancakes VII: Pass the Syrup

Ok, enough about G.I. Joe, I have plenty of other things to cover today. The month of June is wrapping up with a flurry. In the last week, we've seen a number of hot titles. Among the hits is Might & Magic VII. Personally, I liked it back when it was called Might & Magic III. Note to 3DO, while you guys continue to flurrish in the gameplay department, this series is in serious need of a face lift and a nose job (eer... sound department). I guarantee you, if you can put together a new engine that features all the latest technological advancements, and you manage to keep the same gritty gameplay, the Might & Magic series would kick ass! Wake up and smell the pancakes guys, they're getting moldy. Speaking of the Might & Magic world, an entire new game is about to enter the frey. It's entitled Crusaders of Might & Magic (a 3D action title), and while it's currently only scheduled for PSX release, I'm sure it'll just be a matter of time before a PC version is announced. Here's a quick glimpse at Crusaders of Might & Magic (c) 3DO.

Kingpin is Warping My Fragile Little Mind

Topping off the list of 'blockbuster' releases this week is Interplay's Kingpin: Life of Crime and Cavedog's Total Annihilation: Kingdoms. Kingpin: Life of Crime was released amongst rumors that Xatrix was breaking apart. Word on the street suggested the parting wasn't amicable, that Kingpin wasn't completely finished, and also stated that most of the crew left so they could start working on a sequel to Castle Wolfenstein, entitled Return to Castle Wolfenstein (using the Quake 3 engine might I add). What do I make of all this? I've got two words for ya... WE DON'T! In a related / non-related story, Kingpin shipped to stores where the original price was chopped from $49.99 down to $39.99 and included a $10 rebate ($29.99 after rebate, a reduction of $20). The reason behind this decision? I've got two words for ya... WE DON'T! I'll hold back all further comment on Kingpin until I play the game some more, although priliminary comments around the 'office' suggests it's a pretty fucking good game. (Excuse the language, this game is warping my fragile little mind)

Total Annihilation of TA:Kingdoms

Total Annihilation: Kingdoms has been a highly anticipated title for quite some time. Their original title, Total Annihilation, took the PC industry by storm. Would this game meet expectations? Interestingly enough, Cavedog printed a Letterman'esque Top 10 list on their web page a number of days ago. The list was called the Top Ten Reasons to NOT Buy TA: Kingdoms:


10. No Linux version.
9. Head lice not accurately simulated.
8. Warez version sUcKz.
7. No cloakable flying fusion plant.
6. Requires liquid-cooled supercomputer.
5. AI loses at chess to Kasparov ... every time.
4. Where the hell are the freakin' elves?
3. Saving money for Diablo II.
2. Lead designer can't play his way out of a wet paper bag.

And the number 1 reason to not buy TA: Kingdoms...
1. Game might become popular.

While that particular list is humorous, I think it's a little inaccurate. Let me see, yeah, I think if we replace the top two reasons with the following two, it might be even better. Let's give it a whirl:

2. Fucksauce (to quote a fellow team member)

And the number 1 reason to not buy TA: Kingdoms...
1. IT SUCKS!

Ok, I'm just kidding, it doesn't suck, but it's certainly a disappointment. It's nowhere near the level of it's original, not to mention it's a machine hog. There seems to be very mixed feelings about the title, some gamers love it while others hate it. So caveat emptor if you will. (Like that's going to stop the hordes of TA fans)

Master of Magic 2: Is that you again MoM?

A few weeks ago, Hasbro Interactive released Star Trek: Birth of the Federation. The members of the Microprose team behind Star Trek: Birth of the Federation are getting ready to move on to other projects once they put the finishing touches on a patch for their recently released Star Trek title. What's next for the team? While some of them will be shuffling off to help develop Diplomacy (based on the boardgame of the same name from Avalon Hill), rumor has it the rest of the crew will be making their pitch to develop the sequel to Microprose's classic game, Master of Magic. I'm sure fans of MoM are hoping this is one rumor that comes to fruition.

Seperated at Birth

Finally, to wrap things up for today, Aliens vs. Predator fans will be happy to know that the savegame patch Fox Interactive promised a couple of weeks ago, will in fact be released in the next few days. Speaking of the Predator...

Seperated at Birth: Latrell Sprewell (NY Knicks - left) and the Predator (Ok, maybe just the 'locks)

Better luck next year New York! That's all she wrote for now but remember, The Game Has Just Begun!

Disclaimer:
The views expressed in the preceeding article are solely the views of the author, and in no way express the views of Game Over Online Magazine or The Reviewers' Guild.